Newsletters

August 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Thursday, August 11, 2016

Last month we discussed Mobile Phone Safety. This month we will discuss:

Dealing with Difficult People
Series of Seminars

With Roberta Cava - author of the best-selling book;
Dealing with Difficult People

This series of seminars enables you to control your moods by not allowing others to give you negative feelings. You’ll learn how to control your anger and stress levels and obtain a psychological edge by improving your people skills.

Knowing techniques that work for dealing with difficult people and situations can boost your confidence, improve your competence, reduce stress and anxiety and increase your enthusiasm for life.

You’ll experience a feeling of accomplishment when you handle difficult situations well. Your employer, family, relatives and friends will trust and rely on you; will think twice before pushing you around; and will be more willing to try to please you.

How do I know the techniques really work? Because more than 55,000 participants have attended my Dealing with Difficult People seminar and have given their input. Many took the time to write to me with examples of how they dealt with particularly difficult situations. Those contributions are scattered throughout the seminars. I endorse every technique and use them regularly. Not only do I handle difficult situations better, but I’ve also gained control of my reactions to negative situations. So can you!

Choose one or all of the following sessions that cost only $25.00 per session or buy two of the Dealing with Difficult Supervisors; Subordinates, Clients, Husbands, Wives, Children, In-Laws, or Seniors for only $40:

 

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE SERIES

OF SEMINARS

Min.

Cost

Maintaining Control During Difficult Situations 

32

$25

Dealing with Different Personality Types

33

$25

Dealing with Criticism

34

$25

Dealing with Difficult Supervisors – Part One

38

$25

Dealing with Difficult Supervisors – Part Two

36

$25

Dealing with Difficult Supervisors - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Co-Workers

38

$25

Dealing with Difficult Subordinates – Part One

38

$25

Dealing with Difficult Subordinates – Part Two

39

$25

Dealing with Difficult Subordinates - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Clients – Part One

32

$25

Dealing with Difficult Clients – Part Two

30

$25

Dealing with Difficult Clients - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Husbands – Part One

34

$25

Dealing with Difficult Husbands – Part Two

35

$25

Dealing with Difficult Husbands - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Wives – Part One

31

$25

Dealing with Difficult Wives – Part Two

31

$25

Dealing with Difficult Wives - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Children – Part One

40

$25

Dealing with Difficult Children – Part Two

37

$25

Dealing with Difficult Children - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Relatives

34

$25

Dealing with Difficult Brothers

36

$25

Dealing with Difficult Sisters

32

$25

Dealing with Difficult Parents  

40

$25

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws – Part One

33

$25

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws – Part Two

32

$25

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws - Part One + Two

$40

Dealing with Difficult Seniors – Part One

31

$25

Dealing with Difficult seniors – Part Two

33

$25

Dealing with Difficult Seniors – Part One + Two

$45

Dealing with Difficult Teens and Young Adults

33

$25

Tip of the day: 

Excerpts from Roberta Cava's internationally best-selling book - DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE - How to deal with nasty customers, demanding bosses and uncooperative colleagues.

‘Everyone must love me” manipulators

Their goal is to have everyone – spouse lover, children, boss, friends, shopkeepers and even the man who comes to the door selling magazines to think they’re the greatest. They feel like failures if they don’t please everybody (an impossible task). To overcome:

  1. Help them identify when others are using them.
  2. Assist them to find ways to handle situations where others are using them.
  3. Praise them when they stand up for themselves.
  4. Constantly remind them that they can’t please everybody all the time.

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books  

July, 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Friday, July 01, 2016

HAPPY CANADA DAY – JULY 1ST

Last month we discussed our on-line bullying seminars. This month we will discuss:

Mobile Phone Safety

Your mobile phone can actually be a life-saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things you can do with it (that you probably didn’t know about.

First: Emergency

The emergency number worldwide for mobile phones is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing networks to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked.

Second: Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? If so, this may come in handy some day and is a good reason to own a cellular phone.

If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone at their end. Your car will unlock. This saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.

Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors (or boot).

Third: Hidden Battery Power

Imagine that your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone the next time.

Fourth: How to disable a stolen cell phone?

To check your mobile phone’s serial number, key in the following digits on your phone *#06#. A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Do it now before your phone might go missing. Write the number down and keep it somewhere safe. If your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them the code.

They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can’t use or sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

Tip of the day:

Excerpts from Roberta Cava's internationally best-selling book - DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE - How to deal with nasty customers, demanding bosses and uncooperative colleagues.

How to deal with Intimidators:

Whenever they don't get what they want, they use hidden ways to threaten, coerce, hurt or embarrass others.  Staff feel powerless when the intimidator is their boss.  They're noted for stabbing others in the back, so don't drop your guard and be ready for an attack.  To overcome:

  1. Prepare yourself psychologically for your next encounter.
  2. Rehearse how you will respond the next time they try to intimidate you.
  3. Walk away from them, explaining that their tactics aren't going to work on you any more.
  4. If this is your boss, call in reinforcements by speaking with someone in the Human Resources Department, a mediator or an employee relations manager. If necessary, go above your boss's head to his or her manager. Make sure you bring facts with you, not assumptions and innuendoes.
  5. If upper management won't help, contact the Anti-Discrimination commission of your State or Territory who will advise you on how to proceed against a boss who uses harassment to coerce staff.

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

June 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Last month we discussed Career Counselling. This month we will discuss:

Dealing with Bullies

Series of Seminars

With Roberta Cava - author of the books;

Dealing with Domestic Violence and Child Abuse;

Dealing with School Bullying;

Dealing with Workplace Bullying

Are you a victim of Domestic Violence?

What do you do to help children who are being abused?

How can you get your school to implement a zero-tolerance School Bullying Policy?

Are you a victim of Workplace Bullying?

If so, this series of seminars will enable you to understand why bullies do what they do and how to counter-act their violent actions. There are eleven seminars in this series that are the result of two and a half year’s research by Roberta Cava, the presenter of the seminars.

Learn about domestic violence, what it is, what causes it, why it happens, why people stay in abusive relationships, and how hard it is to get out of a domestic violence cycle.

Learn about child abuse, how they are abused, how they react, and what you can do to help them

Learn about workplace bullying that is rampant in most corporations; how to implement an effective zero-tolerance anti-bullying policy; how to stop harassment and sexual harassment; how to implement an effective sexual harassment policy and how to stop the aggression that is pervasive in our corporate world.

You will learn what needs to be done to stop domestic violence and child abuse, school and workplace bullying. Knowing techniques that work  for dealing with bullies can boost your confidence, improve your competence, reduce stress and anxiety and increase your enthusiasm for life.

Choose one or all of the following sessions that cost only $20.00 per session. Buy two of Workplace Bullying or Child Abuse for $35; or

Buy three of the Domestic Violence or School Bullying for $45:

Tip of the day: 

Excerpts from Roberta Cava's internationally best-selling book - DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE - How to deal with nasty customers, demanding bosses and uncooperative colleagues.

How to deal with “Indecisive” manipulators

They have a terrible time making decisions and are compelled to ask everyone they meet to help them make decisions.  They’re noted for wavering between several choices or in changing their course of action three or four times before making even a tentative decision.  They seek the perfect solution, and are on edge if they can’t find one.  Once they make a decision, they discover a flaw in it and change their minds again.  They’re wishy-washy and inconsistent, swaying back and forth between choices.

To overcome:

  1. When they come to you asking for direction, ask them, “What do you think you should do?” Eventually they will see that they’re capable of making decisions for themselves.
  2. Ask yourself whether this person should be in a position that involves making decisions. Many people are more comfortable having others make decisions for them.
  3. If they must make decisions, have them give several solutions, then encourage them to make a decision.
  4. Give deadlines if decisions must be made.

Why not look up our web page and learn all about our other seminars?

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info

May, 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Monday, May 02, 2016

Last month we discussed our Time Management Series of Seminars. This month we will discuss:

Career Counselling

Instead of dragging yourself to work every day, why not start the New Year by searching for a job you really like?

In these hard economic times, are you finding it difficult to find suitable employment in your field of work? How would you like to expand those opportunities? This unique career counselling service will enable you to determine your transferrable skills and identify another 20 to 40 primary and secondary occupations where you could use those skills.

An investment of $175.00 will provide you with an extensive report that includes:

  • A list of your transferrable skills
  • 20 to 40 primary and secondary occupations you could investigate that use your transferrable skills
  • A psychological report that includes:

1.    Your strengths in the areas of interest, ability, values, personality, capacity.

2.    Interest, ability and personality profiles

3.    What you think your skills are compared to what they really are.

4.    Determine your management, persuasive, social artistic, clerical, mechanical, investigative and operational abilities.

5.    Whether you are outgoing, reserved, factual, creative, analytical, caring, organised, or causal .

6.    Your ability to think, reason, and solve problems.

7.    Values inventory.

8.    Your stamina level.

9.    Your I.Q. Score.

10.   Performance and personality characteristics.

11.   Motivational and De-motivational factors.

12.   Whether you have what it takes to become an entrepreneur and have your own business.

What will happen........

When we receive your payment of $175.00 through our web page, (along with a copy of your CV or resume) we will e-mail you our Career Choices workbook. As soon as we receive your completed workbook, we will send you your personalized extensive Career Choices report. This service can also be done via regular post (but it will take much longer).

For more information contact: info@dealingwithdifficultpeople.info

You might also consider purchasing Roberta Cava’s book What am I going to do with the rest of my Life? 

You can order the book or read a free sample chapter by going to our web site.

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

March 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Last month we discussed excerpts of Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you additional excerpts from the third chapter of that book relating to:

School Bullying

What parents can do to help a bullied child:

When a parent finds out his or her child has been bullied, the initial feelings are of outrage and anger and their first reaction is to act and take steps to stop the bullying. But what are they to do?

If the child is physically injured, these would need to be attended to first. If possible, take coloured photos of the injuries and/or any damage there may be to the child’s clothing or belongings. Sympathise with the child and let him/her know that this is a case of bullying and you will be taking steps to stop it from happening again. Interview any witnesses. If the injury is serious, lodge an assault case with the police against the bully. If the child is afraid to have you say anything, explain that if s/he does nothing, it protects the bully who is counting on the child not to ‘tattle.’

Write down all the details about the incident - what happened, where it happened, who was involved and names of any witnesses. If the bullying took place on school property, speak with the school principal and give a copy of your written notes about the bullying incident. Add the school’s reactions to your complaint, giving name of person, staff position, date and time of interview. Schools have a legal responsibility to ensure that they will provide a non-violent environment for all students.

Contact the parents of the bully. Many will co-operate, but others don’t see the bullying actions as being important enough to deal with it. In the latter homes, violence and abuse are usually the normal behaviour so the parents will not be concerned about doing something to stop the bullying.

Point out that there was physical damage (either to the child or his/her possessions) and that what has happened is assault. Explain that you’ll be reporting it to the school and it could become necessary to contact the police. Let them know you’re serious about your complaint and what you expect them to do:

  • Have the bully apologise to your child;
  • Determine what punishment the child will have for the bullying incident and what they’ll do if the incident happens again;
  • Warn the child that if this behaviour happens again, that you will go to the police and charge them with assault.

Parents of a bullying child need to ask themselves whether their actions to each other in the home have contributed to their child believing that bullying is acceptable behaviour.

If the school or parents do not show that they’ll deal with and stop the bullying, go higher in the school system. If this doesn’t prove successful, send a copy of the report of all events to date to the police for their files and advise them that you’re seeing a lawyer. If you can’t afford a lawyer, low cost legal aid is available in most cities.

When a child is enrolled in a school, the parents should ask for copies of school policies relating to bullying; how many incidents have taken place in the past few years and what steps they should take if an incident takes place. They should insist that they be informed of all bullying incidents that occur that affect their child (whether the child was a target, a bully or a witness).

Many schools have an unofficial reputation for tolerating bullying. This reputation is usually common knowledge throughout the student community. In these schools more children tend to feel anxious about their personal safety and as a result many are reluctant to go to school.

To tackle bullying you will have to liaise closely with the school and will probably have to talk to the bully’s parents. Establish first of all whether this is an isolated incident (in which case nipping it in the bud is likely to have a high probability of success) or whether the child bully has a history of bullying behaviour.

Remember that most children will try bullying at some time. Most will soon realise that it’s not an appropriate way of behaving and grow out of it quickly, especially if you help your child see why it’s inappropriate and encourage and support them in learning better ways of behaving.

Only when the issue of bullying is brought into the open and policies and procedures showing how the school will deal with bullying are widely known and enforced will schools gain a reputation for being safe for all children.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

February 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Monday, February 01, 2016

Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you additional excerpts from the third chapter of that book relating to:

School Bullying

Pupils who Bully

Physical Aggression: This behaviour is more common among boys than girls. It includes pushing, shoving, punching, kicking, poking and tripping people up. It may also take the form of severe physical assault. While boys commonly engage in ‘mess fights,’ they can often be used as a disguise for physical harassment or inflicting pain.

Damage to Property: Personal property can be the focus of attention for the bully: this may result in damage to clothing, school books and other learning material or interference with a pupil’s locker or bicycle. The contents of school bags and pencil cases may be scattered on the floor. Items of personal property may be defaced, broken, stolen or hidden.

Extortion: Demands for money may be made, often accompanied by threats (sometimes carried out) in the event of the target not promptly ‘paying up.’ Targets’ lunches, lunch vouchers or lunch money may be taken. Targets may also be forced into theft of property for delivery to the bully. Sometimes, this tactic is used with the sole purpose of incriminating the target.

Intimidation: Some bullying behaviour takes the form of intimidation; it is based on the use of very aggressive body language with the voice being used as a weapon. Particularly upsetting to targets can be the so-called ‘look’ - a facial expression that conveys aggression and/or dislike.

Abusive Telephone Calls or texts: The abusive anonymous telephone call or text is a form of verbal intimidation or bullying. The anonymous phone call is very prevalent where teachers are the targets of bullying.

Exclusion and Isolation: This form of bullying behaviour seems to be more prevalent among girls. A certain person is deliberately isolated, excluded or ignored by some or the entire class group. This practice is usually initiated by the person engaged in bullying behaviour. It may be accompanied by writing insulting remarks about the target on blackboards or in public places, by passing around notes about or drawings of the target or by whispering insults about them loud enough to be heard.

Name Calling: Persistent name-calling directed at the same individual(s), that hurts, insults or humiliates should be regarded as a form of bullying behaviour. Most name-calling of this type refers to physical appearance, e.g. ‘big ears,’ size or clothes worn.

Accent or distinctive voice characteristics may attract negative attention. Academic ability can also provoke name-calling. This tends to operate at two extremes; first, there are those who are singled out for attention because they’re perceived to be slow, or weak, academically. These pupils are often referred to as ‘dummies,’ ‘dopes’ or ‘donkeys.’

At the other extreme are those who, because they’re perceived as high achievers, are labelled ‘swots,’ ‘brain-boxes,’ ‘licks,’ ‘teachers’ pets,’ etc.

Teasing: This behaviour usually refers to the good-natured banter that goes on as part of the normal social interchange between mainly young people. However, when this teasing extends to very personal remarks aimed again and again at one individual about appearance, clothing, personal hygiene or involves references of an uncomplimentary nature to members of one’s family, particularly if couched in sexual innuendo, then it assumes the form of bullying. Or it may take the form of suggestive remarks about a pupil’s sexual orientation.

Is your child a bully?

Here are some signs that your child might be a bully:

  • Complaints from school about your child’s behaviour;
  • Seems to have unaccountable money;
  • Complaints from other parents about their behaviour;
  • Buys things that you know they can’t afford;
  • Explanations that their friends gave them the designer clothes they’re wearing;
  • Have a cocky, superior air about them.

Parents of a bullying child need to ask themselves whether their actions to each other in the home have contributed to their child believing that bullying is acceptable behaviour.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

 

 

 

January, 2016 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Thursday, December 31, 2015

Have a Happy New Year!

Our message this month is not the kind we would like to send at this time of the year, but our message is too important!

Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you excerpts from the third chapter of that book relating to:

School Bullying

Schools are a prime location for bullying. The majority of school bullying occurs in or close to school buildings. Many bullies try to pass off acts of aggression as roughhousing. The majority of targets don’t report the bullying. Occasionally, a target provokes the attack of their bully. These targets tease their bullies, making themselves a target by egging the bully on. These targets often don’t know when to stop their provocation and usually aren’t able to defend themselves when the balance of power shifts to the bully. Body language is everything when school bullies pick their prey.

Physical defects, like big ears, speech problems or a limp, don’t normally play a role, but body language and level of self-esteem have everything to do with whether the child will or will not be bullied. Targets are encouraged to stand tall, say, ‘No’ in a loud voice and make eye contact. If targets are taught how to react, they can curb the problem. A bully needs an audience, so if witnesses simply leave the area when a situation happens and they report the bullying - the bullies lose their audience and have to account for their unacceptable behaviour.

Only twenty-five per cent of students report that teachers intervene in bullying situations, while seventy-one per cent of teachers believe they always intervene.

Why don’t other students help the target?

They’re reluctant to report bullying because they fear retaliation from the bully themselves. Children who are not bullies or targets have a powerful role to play in shaping the behaviour of other children. It’s the 52 per cent of children within a school who are not bullied or targeted who hold the key to stop bullying. Children need to be encouraged to speak up on behalf of children they see being bullied. Students who witness bullying have the potential to reduce bullying by refusing to watch bullying, reporting bullying incidents and/or distracting the bully. The key to a successful anti-bullying campaign is to involve everyone in working toward a solution.

The bullying cycle works on witnesses as follows:

  • They fear that teachers will confront the bully in such a way that the witnesses are now at risk.
  • They fear that their confidentiality will be breached and/or their status within their peer group will be compromised.

Bullies survive by creating the myth that if their behaviour is reported, they will retaliate swiftly and severely. This threat paralyses the targets and witnesses into a code of silence that allows the bully to extend his/her reign of terror.

Unfortunately, many teachers and school staff don’t know how to intervene properly, so the bullying continues. This leads to more helplessness for the targets and gives more power to the bullies who know they will get away with their bullying, and/or feel the school has condoned their behaviour.

Teachers need to make it safe for their students to report any bullying incident. They accomplish this by respecting the anonymity of the target and witnesses. Until the targets and witnesses trust that this will happen - bullying will go unreported, and bullies will be encouraged to continue their actions. Bullies must know the consequences for bullying and schools must consistently enforce the rules. Bullies need counselling so they can learn how to behave in a socially acceptable manner, as their targets need to learn assertiveness and have confidence that any reported bullying will be dealt with swiftly and effectively by authority figures.

Bullies are often socially accepted until their mid-teens. Despite their aggressive behaviour, they can even enjoy social popularity with their peers. But, by late adolescence, the bully’s popularity begins to fade. Bullies lose their popularity as they get older and are eventually disliked by the majority of students. The paths of the mid-teen bully and his or her former target rarely cross. By that age, teens have clearly defined their social set. Tragically, the bullies find themselves becoming more excluded by their peers and often seek out alliances with gangs of other isolated individuals. These teen gangs often get into serious trouble with the law.

By senior high school, most regular bullying incidents are a thing of the past, but the memories of their abuse haunts targets and they continue to avoid their bully. Some carry their emotional scars for a lifetime.

If you suspect your child has had a run in with a bully at school, on the bus, in the cafeteria, or even on the ball field, there will be clues in her behaviour and appearance, such as:

  • Withdrawing from their favourite activities;
  • Anxiety about travelling to and from school;
  • Requesting parents to drive or collect them;
  • Changing route of travel;
  • Avoiding regular times for travelling to and from school;
  • Unwillingness to go to school;
  • Declining interest in school or after school activities;
  • Deterioration in educational performance;
  • Pattern of physical illnesses (e.g. headaches, stomach aches);
  • Withdrawing from their friends or social circle;
  • Wanting to run away;
  • Loss of concentration;
  • Anger (may or may not be directed at you);
  • Stress;
  • Crying, depression, sudden rages;
  • Volatile emotions;
  • Consistently missing the bus;
  • Comes home from school overly hungry;
  • Has trouble sleeping;
  • Unexplained changes either in mood or behaviour (it may be particularly noticeable before returning to school after weekends or more specifically after longer school holidays);
  • Torn clothes, backpack, or other personal items;
  • Missing or damaged school items, such as books, homework, lunch box, or band instrument;
    • Wanting to take protection to school such as a knife or a gun;
    • Bruises and/or scrapes; has been in physical fights;
    • Loss of or increase in appetite;
    • Visible signs of anxiety or distress – stammering, withdrawing, nightmares, difficulty in sleeping, crying, not eating, vomiting, bedwetting;
    • Spontaneous out-of-character comments about either pupils or teachers;
    • Increased requests for money or stealing money;
    • Reluctance and/or refusal to say what’s troubling them;
    • ‘Lose’ things – a sign that someone is stealing the child’s items.

Those signs do not necessarily mean that a pupil is being bullied. If repeated or occurring in combination, those signs do warrant investigation in order to establish what is affecting the pupil.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

December 2015 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Monday, November 30, 2015

If you prefer not to receive our newsletters, please unsubscribe by returning this e-mail with the subject – ‘Remove.

Have a Happy Holiday Season!

Our message this month is not the kind we would like to send at this time of the year, but our message is too important!

Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you excerpts from the second chapter of that book relating to:

Pornography

The downloading of child pornography is out of control with videos and still images becoming more extreme and showing increasingly younger children. The proliferation of smartphones and tablets has made it more difficult for parents to keep tabs on who their children are communicating with. Gone are the days when police could effectively advise parents to keep the home computer in a communal area, because the children have them with them at school and at friends’ homes.

In July, 2015, Children’s Commissioner Megan Mitchell has called for a review into whether Australian kids are being adequately protected from exposure to hardcore and violent pornography on-line. ‘Children’s ready access and exposure to violent and pornographic imagery through on-line platforms poses real risks of distorting their attitudes to sex and relationships,’ she said.

‘I strongly support a review of how well regulatory and other measures are working to reduce the negative impact of pornography.’

She added that children needed better education, at home and school, about sex and healthy relationships, but other options such as opt-in porn filters need to be part of the solution.

Some governments are trying to block explicit pornography at a network level.

The dangers of pornography

Watching pornography at a very young age can result in a completely warped idea of what normal bodies look like and how normal bodies react when another person ‘turns them on.’ Those who are addicted to pornography are completely unaware of what intimacy means and only see others as sexual objects. The idea of romance is foreign to them.

Many teens compare themselves to how the ‘stud’s’ anatomy is so much sexier than theirs. They look down at themselves and realise that they fall short in the penis department. They look at their normal chests and biceps and compare them against the studs ‘performing’ in the pornography and again believe they fall short.

Females, young and old, shown in pornography look nothing like the average woman or girl, so the boys find they can’t become sexually stimulated by normal-looking females, so revert back to masturbating while watching pornography or pay a prostitute for their services.

These males can’t relate to females without wondering what she would look and act like if she was naked in bed. They have vivid pictures of this in their minds – and the girls often intuit this desire so become embarrassed and feel as if they’ve been mentally undressed.

Young boys who, through curiosity, put the word ‘porn’ into a Google search usually expect to see a couple having sex or simply show beautiful naked female bodies. Instead, they see savage sex performed on females; brutal acts that leave the woman battered and bruised. They see anal sex on young girls and boys.

The average Australian boy is eleven when he has his first exposure to pornography. Many innocently click onto what is known as ‘gonzo porn’ that shows anal sex, lesbians having sex and even gangbangs. Some are repelled by the visions, but others get ‘hooked.’

The degradation of women, with violence and humiliation are shown in most of these sites. Many experts believe that porn has become a health emergency, not only for the teens and pre-teens exposed to it, but by the men who have grown up watching it find that normal sex does nothing for them.

This kind of hard porn is no longer hidden, but has become main-stream and it’s now difficult for people to even find soft core porn.

Young teenage girls have their virginity taken from them by boys who have watched porn and think they have to mimic what they’ve observed on the porn sites. These young girls are often left with serious sexual injuries with vaginal and anal tearing.

The boys think this is how a relationship with a girl works and is mortified when her mother and father come to his home to explain to his parents the damage he has done to their daughter. The boy’s shocked parents are often unaware that their son has been indulging in pornography (sometimes for years without their knowledge) let alone that he used violent sex on his fragile young virgin girlfriend.

As they mature these teens need higher and higher levels of violence to appease their appetite for watching sex that’s all about punishment, domination and vengeance and there’s nothing loving in the acts they’re driven to perform. As grown men, they find it impossible to get or sustain an erection when they have to indulge in non-violent sex.

While there is no doubt that the internet has made offending easier for those who would have offended anyway, it’s also clear that it has increased the likelihood of people graduating from viewing child pornography to abusing children. Research is showing that pornography is by far the biggest indicator of what a person’s actual preference is and that if they have lots of porn, it’s not going to help them stop re-offending. Someone who’s viewing a lot of child porn is definitely going to be more at risk of committing offences against children. The more they see of anything, the more acceptable it’s going to become – no matter what it is.

Some offenders start off viewing ‘legal’ porn, go to more bizarre things, moved on to bestiality, then children, and then move on to contacting children and offend. If he started with pornography at around twelve or thirteen, then by the time he’s twenty-one or twenty-two he’s trying to get kids through the internet.

Parents play an important role in preventing kids from accessing hard-core porn. They need to have a discussion with their sons when they reach ten to explain the differences between normal sex and the kind of sex that is shown on pornography sites. Instead of pornography being the only sexual education received by vulnerable pre-pubescent children, we must start to fill the void so pornography does not become the sex education of our youth.

Parents are encouraged to install filters and software to block explicit adult sites. Unfortunately, as earlier mentioned, this does not protect their child from entering chat rooms – where there are no filters.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

November, 2015 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Saturday, October 31, 2015

Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you excerpts from the second chapter of that book relating to:

Paedophiles

A paedophile is a person who has a sustained sexual orientation towards children, generally aged 13 or younger. In most cases, the paedophile is at least sixteen years of age and at least five years older than the child. We know that paedophiles are overwhelmingly male, that their desire can fluctuate and that there can be some effectiveness in anti-libidinal medication to curb or reduce their sexual reactions, although researchers still hotly contest its efficiency.

Paedophilia is defined as a paraphilia which includes recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviours that involve children, non-human subjects, other non-consenting adults or the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner.

Some paedophiles refrain from sexually approaching any child for their entire lives. At one end of the spectrum are those who prefer to have sex with children – paedophiles – while at the other are people who will have sex with children because of the particular situation they find themselves in. It could be just out of curiosity; it could be because they don’t feel as if children are going to judge them like adults will; it could be that they’ll have sex with anything and children are just one of the spectrum; it could be a revenge-type scenario – he’s in a relationship with somebody but feels disaffected in some way; doesn’t have any power or control or feels as if his partner is dominating him – so he chooses children.

Paedophilia can be characterised as either exclusive or non-exclusive. Exclusive paedophiles are attracted only to children. They show no interest in sexual partners who are not pre-pubescent children. Non-exclusive paedophiles are attracted to both adults and children. A large percentage of male paedophiles are homosexual or bisexual in orientation to children, meaning they are attracted to male and female adults and/or both male and female children.

They place themselves in positions where they can easily meet children. The internet has become a common hunting ground to prey on children. Today more and more kids are using Facebook accounts. By creating a profile displaying one’s personal information these children are indirectly helping paedophiles find their next target. They can befriend children and manipulate, trap and lure their targets into a false sense of trust.

Some paedophiles may pretend they’re someone else, such as a classmate. Others develop friendship with children and then arrange times and places so they can act upon and fulfil their sexual desires.

Many people assume that only males are paedophiles, however female paedophiles do exist. These female predators display similar behaviour such as irrational thoughts, repetitive thoughts and many suffer from psychiatric disorders or substance abuse problems. Also there’s a higher likelihood that they’ve been sexually abused as a child. As children, they lacked the ability to control the situation. By sexually assaulting children, paedophiles attempt to re-live the trauma they experienced and learn how to master it. A complete role-reversal that in their minds gives them the upper hand and prevents them from being targeted again.

There are patterns to paedophiles’ manipulations; consistent techniques by which they groom the trust of the child and those around them. Often the child knows the abuser and the man is able to offend through the position of trust. So a parent or step parent could be the abuser. It could be a mentor or sports coach or often through friendship or association with the family. The child is encouraged to keep secrets and the paedophile tries to isolate them from other people. Some may offer bribes.

Abusers find areas of common interest with children; they flatter their intelligence and insight, give them gifts and pay attention to them more than their parents do. They conspire to create situations where they and the child will be together. Isolation is important to the paedophile – not only does it lessen the chance of detection, but forms a false but flattering sense of conspiracy with the target.

A report of data collected by school authorities in Canada identified that:

23% of middle-schoolers surveyed had been contacted by email

35% in chat rooms

41% by text messages on their cell phones

Fully 41% did not know the identity of the perpetrators.

Paedophiles don’t always use the internet; some may stalk children by following them. Many parents transport their children to every event, but some have to trust that their children will be safe going to and from school and/or events. These parents should try to arrange (possibly with school assistance) for groups of children who live close by to travel together, hopefully with other older students who can keep an eye out for anyone who looks suspicious. Or parents could share car-pooling to pick up and deliver children.

What causes Paedophilia?

Biological and environmental factors contribute to paedophilia. The abusers have problems with self-control; have extreme urges and cognitive distortions. Many experts believe that disorders for sexual preferences emerge from childhood experiences.

In older paedophiles, the behaviour is ingrained; they’ve convinced themselves that they’re not actually doing anything wrong. Then they meet with other like-minded men (usually on the internet) who share pornography which reinforces their idea that they’re not doing anything wrong.

Research does show that the greatest percentage of people who commit these offences have been offended against themselves. When they’re apprehended, some child pornography users express relief because they did not believe they would be able to stop offending by themselves. Others express no remorse at all – have no feelings of guilt for their actions.

For psychological treatment to be beneficial, three things need to occur: the patient is motivated to change; the therapist develops a rapport with the paedophile; and sometimes external inducements or coercion to take treatment, such as revoking parole, is exercised.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm

October 2015 Dealing with Difficult People Newsletter

Roberta Cava - Thursday, October 01, 2015

Last month we discussed Roberta Cava’s most recent book: Keeping Our Children Safe. Today we will give you excerpts from the first chapter of that book relating to:

The Dangers of Social Media

Many children and teens use social networking websites such as Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, Twitter, Linkedin and ProfileHeaven to keep in touch with friends from school, camp, church or work. Some use them to connect with people who share very specific interests, from Swiss cheese to Scandinavian indie rock.

Teens also use them to strike up conversations with strangers - teenage and otherwise - whether they're seeking help with their homework, advice about a problem or a date for Saturday night.

Children need to be very careful when they go on-line, especially going into chat rooms. Parents can stop their children from going into adult sites, but can’t stop them from using chat rooms.

One in four children in chat rooms on the Internet will be solicited by a child predator.

Remember that if they post something and a friend ‘likes’ or comments on it, their post gets seen by all of that person’s friends as well. Then someone else comments then all that person’s friends see it too. As a result, within minutes of them posting it, their post may be seen by hundreds of people they don’t even know (including predators).

It’s extremely important that children and adults do not give out personal information on Facebook or any of the other internet media sites.

Chat rooms are full of paedophiles that prey upon children. For instance, a twelve-year-old girl revealed to her parents that she was corresponding with a fourteen-year-old boy on the internet. He had sent a picture of himself and wanted to meet her at McDonald’s. She wondered if she should meet him. Her parents called the police for advice and they arranged to have undercover police officers at the restaurant when she met the boy.

As they suspected, the boy was a grown man, a paedophile, who was arrested at the scene. The man had a prior record and had been jailed for raping two young girls. So children need to know they should not give strangers any personal information over the internet and should be very cautious about meeting anyone they meet on-line. This man knew where she lived, what school she went to and how old she was.

The police obtained a warrant, searched the man’s home, confiscated his computer and learned that he was stalking three other young girls and had already asked them to meet him. The police were able to contact the parents of those girls to warn them about the danger the girls were in.

The police computer experts also examined the information on the girl’s computers and were able to catch a paedophile gang who traded information about the young girls.

Paedophiles go on-line to seek tips for getting near children - at camps, through foster care, at community gatherings and at countless other events. They swap stories about day-to-day encounters with minors. And they make use of technology to help take their arguments to others, like sharing on-line printable booklets to be distributed to children that praise the benefits of having sex with adults.

A report of data collected by school authorities in Canada identified that:

  • 23% of middle-schoolers surveyed had been contacted by e-mail;
  • 35% in chat rooms;
  • 41% by text messages on their cell phones.
  • Fully 41% did not know the identity of the perpetrators.

Internet Safety

These paedophiles seek a target-rich environment for finding their prey and the Internet has become their stalking ground. To ensure that your children and household are safe from the threat of these predators, parents need to know how to protect their children:

  • Never, ever leave your child alone in a room with a computer connected to the Internet. Any Internet-connected computer should be in the community part of the house. It should only be used when parents are home and can monitor their children's activity on the computer. Think about it like this; would you ever let a stranger go up to your child's bedroom and talk to them alone for four hours? Would you ever leave your child alone in a park and come back four hours later?
    • It’s a myth that a child on a computer at home is safe. At the least, they may be exposed to sexually explicit materials, and at the worst, they can be lured by an Internet paedophile.
    • Parents should educate themselves on basic computer knowledge. They should be the ones who set up all Internet accounts and passwords. Make sure you know your child's account name and password. You should also be aware of any other e-mail accounts your child may have. Take the time to learn about Internet filters, firewalls, monitoring software and other tools. Use your browser history, cache and cookies to find out what sites your children have been visiting. Enter their names, including nicknames, into popular search engines to see if they have public profiles on social networking sites. Do the same with your address and phone number. You might be surprised by how much of your personal information is on-line!
    • Locking certain computer sites doesn't work. Computer filters don't work for chat rooms, and there are no blocks for chat rooms. There is software to monitor a child's activity, but not their chat activity.
      • Be aware. Parents should be cautious if a child suddenly closes a browser window on the computer when the parent enters the room, or if the child doesn't want the parent to see what they’re working on. If the parent questions what the child is looking at, they should go to the computer and click the back button on the tool bar or lean over and look closely at the computer screen. Parents should also be aware of pictures coming in over the computer.
      • Caution them to never, ever give out personal information over the Internet. This is a good practice for both children and parents. It makes it easy for people to find out about them if they have provided them with any personal information. If they have to give some information, only give their state identification. Never give out their city, birthday, name, or school they attend.
      • Children should never upload a picture of themselves onto the Internet. They should also never e-mail a picture to this new person. Once the picture leaves their computer they have lost control of what can be done with the picture. A predator can do anything they want with it. Stop your children from taking and distributing ‘selfies.’
      • Make sure you have open lines of communication with your children. Oftentimes children are communicating with strangers because there’s no communication in the home. Have open discussions with your children so they feel comfortable talking with you. They should know that if they receive material that bothers them or if it’s inappropriate, they should bring it to your attention so it can be reported to local law enforcement. They need to feel comfortable doing this.
      • Many times children feel they did something wrong or something they weren't supposed to do, so they think they’ll lose computer privileges because of this. It’s important for them to know that they can bring it to their parents' attention without getting into trouble.

If you suspect your child is in trouble, look for these signs:

  • A child that starts to act differently, withdrawn, getting bad grades or spending a lot of time on the Internet. Many times children will think they have found their new ‘best friend’ and they believe that this person will rescue them from their doldrums.

If gifts start arriving at the home, this should also be a clue that something is not right. If your family starts receiving phone calls from people you don't recognise, this could mean there are serious problems. Either the child gave the predator your phone number or the predator found it. This can signify a threat to your child as well as the entire family, especially if the predator knows where you live.

  • If you suspect your child could be the target of an Internet paedophile, call your local law enforcement agency immediately.

Roberta’s book Keeping Our Children Safe is a must for parents who want to keep their pre-teens and teens safe.

Paperback version ($14.99 + Delivery) can be ordered by going to website: www.createspace.com/5611929

eBook version – multiple formats ($9.99) can be ordered by going to website: www.smashwords.com/books/view/575818

Why not look up our web page and learn all about the paperback, large print and eBooks Roberta Cava has written. Go to:

www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.info/books/index.htm


 
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